Ask Alma

Alma Gill

By Alma Gill
NNPA Columnist

 

A Ring of Pain

 

Dear Alma,

I love my husband. We’ve been married for 19 years. About 10 years ago we were about to get divorced. Not because of infidelity but because we just couldn’t get along. We went to counseling and learned how to better communicate with each other. I’m happy to say, it worked and we’re doing just fine. I think we both wanted to be with each other more than we wanted to be apart. My husband is retired military and very rigged on taking care of business. He makes sure all the bills are paid, insurance and healthcare. All the cars are taken care of and basically whatever I ask for, he’ll do it. Nobody has a perfect marriage, so here is the part where I let you know our problem. During that time we were separated, I pawned my wedding rings. I was mad and thought we were over. When we got back together I was wearing my mother’s wedding ring. When my dad died, she gave it to me. Anyway, my husband commented on me wearing my mother’s ring and never ever mentioned it again. When I asked him about replacing the ring, he dismissed it and asked why, saying that my mother’s ring was beautiful and I should continue to wear it. I didn’t say anything because I want him to buy and give me a ring of his choosing. I picked out our rings when we initially got married, both the wedding and the engagement rings. I didn’t think about it much then, but over the years I regretted it. Because that’s what a man is supposed to do when he wants you to be his wife. That’s the way he can let everyone know that I’m his wife. My husband could afford a beautiful ring for me, yes, a substantial diamond. I don’t understand why he won’t buy me one. After all these years of marriage, I think I deserve it. This hurts my feelings and makes me feel like he doesn’t really respect our union. I do feel bad sometimes when I think about how he takes care of everything else. I know it sounds selfish, but it’s important to me. How can I get him to realize the importance of him replacing my wedding ring?

 A.P., Lacey, Wash.

 

Ok Girl, you know what my first thought is: Since you sold it, why don’t you replace it? Clearly, he just doesn’t sound like a ring man to me. He wasn’t when you met and married him and he isn’t now. A rose is a rose – you can’t make it bloom into a tulip, LOL. What does that mean? I don’t know but it made me laugh, and I like both those flowers, LOL.  Anywho ~ permit me if you will, a moment to question your self-indulgence.  Why is it important for you to receive a “big diamond” from your husband? Is it really about principle or for you to show and shine? Is it important for your love to be blinged out and defined by a ring or is it important for him to continue to meet and feed your needs as the best husband he can be. There no right or wrong way to show your love when we’re comparing two positive actions. Again, he is meeting the requirement of damn decent husband and you’re longing for the one thing that you don’t have.

Yes, I know, an act that you find to be important, but doesn’t seem to be all that important to him. Sometimes an anthill situation to one person can be a mountain of a mother, to another. I’m not discounting your need for your husband to comprehend the importance of the tradition of a wedding ring. And speaking of wedding rings, here’s what I found when researching the tradition. Did you know wedding rings have been worn on different fingers, including the thumb? We wear it on the left ring finger because it was thought to be a vein in that finger, directly connected to the heart. Ahh not! Scientists have proven that’s not true at all. So there you go… That’s the answer as to why your husband won’t replace your ring, LMBO. Naaw, I’m just kidding.  Seriously tho, a ring can be a symbol of your union, but so is his ability to come home every night and handle his business. If this is his one major flaw, hang your white flag sister and count your blessings.  Let him continue to meet your necessary needs while you play and pay for your wants. Wise up, value the strength and devotion of your husband and re-re-recognize!

Alma

 

Alma Gill’s newsroom experience spans more than 25 years, including various roles at USA Today, Newsday and the Washington Post. Email questions to: alwaysaskalma@gmail.com.  Follow her on Facebook at “Ask Alma” and twitter @almaaskalma.

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